looks who's walking

abe didn't waste much time.  once those chest tubes were gone, he wanted to be up and moving.  slowly the first time, but made huge progress fast!  

one of my favorite hospital memories was abe's humor and wit.  he and i think the same things are funny and he makes me laugh every day.  i crawled up on his bed with him thursday morning and we were talking....then laughing.  his sense of humor was well in tact, although it hurt to laugh.  he almost banned me from his room!  

even though we were recovering from a traumatic event, it was great to have dave around all week and spend time together.  we saw amazing things hourly and felt so much love and support!

'let your heart rejoice'

hospital days all seem to blend together.  i'm trying to remember what happened on what day, but it kind of feels like one big post-op day.  we were moved from picu to post op less than 24 hours after the surgery, which puts us to wednesday afternoon.  

abe started to move around, at least to go to the bathroom.  he moved slowly at first.  we had to support his back and help him up, but hour by hour he improved.  by thurday, he was pretty independent and moving better.  he was still in some pain, but mostly from his chest tubes that were draining from the surgery.  once he had moved around enough, with minimal drainage they could come out.  he thought they were annoying and uncomfortable.

 thursday morning they came to do take them out.  he wanted them removed, but was pretty nervous.

 our first look at his incision--it looked good!
(if you look closely at the bottom of his incision to the right, you can see a little red dot.  that was where the nail entered..aka the bullet hole)

 she took the pacemaker wires out, then the chest tubes.  abe said it felt like a worm being pulled from his body.  it hurt a little, but mostly weirded him out.  once they were out, he improved and felt so much better!

he didn't need any more pain medicine.  well, he took tylenol a couple times, but when they tried to give him more and asked him to rate his pain, he said, ".75"  the nurse laughed--never heard that response.  after that, he did not want tylenol.  he said, "i have no pain."  i will never forget those words.  less than 48 hours after his open heart surgery, where they completely opened him up (which included breaking his sternum) he felt no pain!    

they took another chest x-ray.  his heart looked great.  he continued to improve so quickly. 

his iv's bothered him so they removed one and replaced the iv in his hand.  when they took it out, i was surprised--it was huge!  no wonder it hurt!  primary children's has an iv team...they called the 'specialists' who were amazing!  they gave him an air pressure shot to numb the area, then they slipped the iv right in on the first try!  we were in awe!  they had heard all about abe, and told him he was famous in the hospital.  they asked if they could see the nail:)   

abe was given a priesthood blessing by his papa john the night before his echo cardiogram.  he told abe that people loved him quickly.  for some reason i remember that line, maybe because i could feel all the people that were concerned for him.  he also blessed abe that his body would be able to do everything it had done in the past.
we were anxious to get the echo cardiogram.  we thought the nail had not penetrated into his left ventricle, but were not completely sure.  from the first report, it looked like it did, but in surgery they thought it stopped at the septum.  this ultrasound was the tell all.  it would show what the real damage was and tell us how his heart was functioning.  

 i remember sitting there feeling way too calm.  i knew i should be nervous, but i couldn't even make myself feel nervous.  i still felt this strength that was not my own.  i would catch myself laughing at the movie on the ceiling (it was a funny movie-mega mind) and then i would remember that my son was having an echo cardiogram to show if his heart was ok.  

i watched the ultra sound screen and saw the valves of his heart.  it seriously looked like a cartoon abe would draw and i couldn't help but smile.  it looked like a fat guy on the left and a really skinny guy on the right and every time the valve would close it looked like they were giving each other high five...over and over!  i kept thinking abe's heart is high five-ing!   probably rejoicing.  really, it did it.  it made it through!  i tried to get a picture, but missed it.   i headed back to the room before it was finished because we had some visitors waiting.  i could feel so many people's prayers and knew heavenly father had a hand in all of this.  the spirit in the room was so strong. 

i didn't understand anything watching the ultra sound, but i just knew it had to be good....and it was.  the report came back-- his heart looked normal, was functioning completely normally and they couldn't even tell where it had happened.  miracle!  really.  a real life miracle.  it makes me cry to even think about it.

48 hours after surgery and cardio-wise, there was no reason for him to be in the hospital.  we were now just waiting on labs to see what abe had been exposed to by the nail and what course of antibiotics would be needed.  the lab could tell something was growing and there was a chance we would be in the hospital with iv antibiotics.  so...we were extremely grateful, improving, praying for no infection, and waiting.

sadie took this picture of the nail...pretty crazy!

bless abe's broken heart- part 4

the PICU was different... i'd never thought about it before, but if i had, i would have imagined it the set up differently.  abe wasn't awake yet but out of surgery and we could finally go see him.   around 9pm we entered the PICU through two huge doors, then wound around to a room surrounded and enclosed with curtains.  there was abe.  he looked small compared to the wall of machines he was hooked to.  he was intubated and had so many monitors.  still sedated, you could tell he had been through a lot....but he was there and alive!  he made it through.  he looked so pale and very still except the machine breathing for him.  i talked to him because i knew he could hear me.  my dad, dave's parents, and my brother pat, took short turns coming back to see him.  my mom was in europe and we couldn't get a hold of her. everyone else went home, relieved that abe was to this point.

abe had a nurse sitting at a desk at the foot of his bed at all times.  this was comforting.  they seemed thorough, and a little more relaxed than i would have imagined-- being the picu and all.  around 10pm dave's sister and her husband brought us a bag of stuff from our house.  it was greatly appreciated since we were both still in our dirty yard work clothes.  about then, abe started to wake up.  he was uncomfortable with the breathing tube.  later he told me how stressful it was to wake up with something down his throat.  so as soon as he was awake enough, they took it out.  that was hard.  it made him cough (ouch) and it was super painful to even breath.  his throat was sore and every time his chest moved it hurt.  they gave him his pain medicine pump that he could push every few minutes. he was thirsty, but still couldn't drink anything.  

dave and i both wanted to stay right by abe, but in the picu, only one of us could sleep in his "room".  they didn't mind if we both stayed as long as one of us was awake.  we decided to do shifts.  i wanted to stay awake and watch abe anyway so the deal was that i would wake dave up at 3:30am and we would switch.  dave was exhausted and fell asleep.  

abe was pretty out of it, but would wake up in awful pain about every hour.  i sat huddled in the bottom corner of his bed.  i wanted him to know i was there and i wanted to comfort him, so i rubbed his legs and feet almost the entire night.  i needed to watch him breath, watch his heart beat, and be there when he woke up.  finally, around 5:30am, the nurse was checking him or something and dave woke up.  he wanted me to lay down, so after he promised me he would stay awake and watch abe breath, i fell asleep.

i woke up a little after 7 to the sound of abe and dave talking away.  it was a completely different scene than i fell asleep to a couple hours earlier!   i couldn't believe it.   abe remembered everything and looked so much better.  my brother pat stopped on his way to work to see us and he couldn't believe it either.  he did not expect to see abe looking so good.  it was amazing.  

abe kept improving and by the end of the day, they were ready to release us from the PICU!  

 prepping him to move to post-op

 pat gave him a hat so he wouldn't have crazy bed head in every picture:)  

 later, abe told me he was nervous in the ICU.  he shared a room (divided by a curtain) with a three year old boy that cried and cried. i talked to the boys mom and luckily, he was going to be ok and i was happy to give abe that report....but, between his concern for the little boy and being hooked up to all the monitors, it felt like a pretty intense place. 

 happy to be leaving the ICU--and making progress!

bless abe's broken heart- part 3

 i pulled into the primary children's parking space and my phone rang.  it was dave's dad.  he told me he had just seen abe, he was stable, but pretty nervous.  papa john was able to talk with him, comfort him, and be a familiar face before he headed back to surgery.  I think john said abe even smiled at him.  i am so sad i wasn't there when abe got off the helicopter to comfort him, but i think back and am amazed that john made it there in time and i'm so thankful he was there so abe could see someone he loved.   it was a tender mercy for sure because i didn't call or text him.  i must have, in my shaky, hurried, first text, sent the message to my sister-in-laws email.  she quickly saw it, which is amazing to me, called tim, dave's brother who was in a meeting.  he left and called john, who answered which he doesn't do at work.  john left work and drove, making it in time to see abe.  a lot had to happen for him to be there.

it was good news that abe made it through the flight and was stable as he headed into surgery.  i got out of my car and saw dave walking through the emergency room doors.  we met and checked in, then someone led upstairs to a waiting room with john.  they also said two of my brothers were already there but were in a different waiting area.  they left to find them.  i was surprised that pat and kelly were there- and so quickly.  they dropped everything and came.  the waiting room seemed tiny, closed in, with no windows.  i remember thinking it was not a good spot to put someone who had a long wait with an uncertain outcome.  also, i wasn't sure i wanted a lot of people around me, not knowing what would happen, but when i saw family, i was so glad they came.  it was nice to know they cared so much and that people were praying for abe.  we had a lot of social workers checking on us, and giving us instructions.  i'm sure i didn't hear much of it.  i waited intently for the updates.  i was grateful when they came.  the first one i remember came in the tiny room.  they told us abe was doing fine.  they were prepping him for the surgery.  i didn't realized that the prep was so involved.  they put pace maker wires in, there was a by pass machine all ready to go in case they needed it, plus all kind of precautions.  they were prepared for just about anything.   

my brother marty, dave's mom and brother tim, showed up about that time.  they moved us to the conference room next to the waiting room.  more space and chairs.  it felt good to breath without the walls being on top of us and it was nice to know that our family dropped everything and came.   dave's siblings were gathering at our house with our kids also.  that was comforting.  i felt a lot of support from people and still felt strength from divine help.

an update came ten minutes into the surgery.  he was still stable and doing well.

i prayed.  walked the halls with my brother.  i can't remember what we said, but i was grateful he was there.  i sat in the hall by myself, needing a minute alone and just wanting to be the first to see the doctor's face and hear the update.  it was a long wait and so strange that somewhere in the hospital, my abe's life was in a stranger's hands.  somewhere he was having open heart surgery and i was waiting.   i remember sitting in the conference room alone with dave for a few minutes.  dave cried more than i have ever seen him cry.  i told him that i knew heavenly father was in charge.  i felt it so much.  dave told me abe was going to make it.  i wanted to believe him. 

every time the door opened, i wanted it to be an update.  mostly it was social workers asking if we needed anything.  the only thing i needed was to know how abe was doing.  i didn't want to drink or eat.  finally (it was a four and a half hour surgery) the door opened, and one of the doctors came in.  i was trying to read his face.  he quickly said,  "first of all, he did great."  i was so relieved.  they didn't have to put him on by pass.  his heart kept beating throughout the surgery.  

we had family prayer with all of us together in the conference room.  my brother kelly said it and the spirit in the room was so powerfully strong.  my sister in law showed up with sandwiches for everyone and the mood lightened a little.  everyone was relieved, and hopeful.  

the surgeon came in and sat down with us and drew out the whole surgery on paper.  they removed a two and a half inch nail from the right ventricle of abe's heart. this was the first time we knew what it was- a nail. he said it looked like the septum was bruised but not punctured and may have stopped the nail from entering the left ventricle.  he had blood in the sac around his heart, but his heart had formed a blood clot around the nail and the nail had acted as a plug so that abe didn't bleed out.  he felt like the surgery went as well as it could have gone.

i remember sitting there listening to him in awe.  i felt so small.  i knew he had prepared for so long so that he could be prepared for this surgery.  i was so grateful that he had worked hard and prepared well and that he was ready when abe needed help.  so grateful.  i told my kids later to prepare to do something awesome.  work hard so they can make a difference.  (sadie text me the nicest note about how i prepared to be their mom and how i make a difference for them--it was so thoughtful)  he gave us the nail he removed.  crazy.  also, listening to the things he said about the nail and abe's heart,  i knew abe had been protected and blessed!  

we still had a long way to go, but we made it! i didn't know what the recovery would be like, but i knew i was grateful for one!  after one of the updates when i still didn't know what would happen (and a few other times later when we hit little milestones in the hospital) i had the words "let your heart rejoice" go across my mind.  it was a scripture from relief society the sunday before.  i did.  i LET my heart feel and rejoice.  i recognized heavenly father's hand and the miracle that had just occurred.  i felt the strength of prayer, family and faith and i was so humbled and so, so grateful.  throughout the hospital stay and even now, i think about that scripture that went through my mind and realize that heavenly father wants my heart to rejoice and i know abe's heart will too.    

bless abe's broken heart- part two

so many people have asked me how i made that drive by myself and if it was the most awful thing ever.  it was hard.  i cried a lot.  but what i didn't know, and it's hard to explain to people, but my text found people that dropped everything and prayed.  some of our friends and neighbors were at the pool by our house and when they got the text, the moms all gathered and said a prayer and then gathered the kids at the pool and said a prayer right there, on the spot, for abe.  they got home from the pool and knelt and prayed again.  my cute little five year old neighbor knelt and said a simple powerful prayer.  her mom said the spirit was so strong, she said, "please bless abe's broken heart."  my text was forwarded to other people and many of them told me they gathered their kids and prayed right then.  family and friends and even some strangers offered prays for abe.  throughout the next few hours, his name was put on four or five different temple prayer rolls.  i tell you what, prayers are heard.  i knew i needed other people's faith.  during that drive, i started to feel this real, almost tangible, strength mixed with peace and power.  i didn't know what would happen to abe, but i felt this power all around me.  it stayed with me though out our entire hospital stay!

a few weeks earlier, i had abe on my mind a lot!  i felt i needed help knowing where to direct abe's efforts.  he has a lot of ability in different areas and i wanted help deciding if he should try-out for his soccer team again.  he is on a club team and it takes a lot of time.  he likes it, but i really felt compelled to put his name on the temple prayer roll and take my concern to the temple.  in the temple, i prayed asking if abe should continue doing soccer (kind of a weird concern...i don't know, he was just on my mind a lot and i needed some direction)  anyway, i didn't feel one thing about soccer, but i had a momentary impression that heavenly father was aware of abe and for a moment, the only way to describe it was i felt of abe's greatness.  it was a quick feeling, but real.  it gave me peace and i knew he could choose cause heavenly father was aware of abe and i felt like He would direct abe where he needed to be.  abe tried out for soccer and made the team and i felt thankful for the impression i received.   

when i drove away from the heber hospital parking lot, this experience immediately came to my mind and i knew that heavenly father was aware of abe.  he told me in the temple a few weeks earlier.  this knowledge let me put my complete trust in the lord.  this was a complete tender mercy!  a scripture we read that morning during family scripture study also came to my mind.  it was in mark chapter 6.  i don't think it was a coincidence that our family had been reading about christ's miracles all week or that we read this verse that exact morning!   we talked about how christ fed the multitude with a few fishes and loaves of bread.  in chapter 8 it says that christ took the food and gave thanks, then he fed the people.  i remember asking the kids, 'do you think because they had gratitude first, then the miracle followed?'  these verses came back to my mind as i was driving and an overwhelming sense of gratitude that i am abe's mom came over me.  it completely encompassed me.  it was so strong.  it lasted and got me through that car ride.  i remember praying, crying and thanking heavenly father for him, but still i really was unsure of what was going to happen, but i was so grateful for him and my experiences with him.  then i had the thought to ask for the miracle and i remember sobbing and asking heavenly father if we could keep him.  i really felt like i was more like begging, but i truly felt like heavenly father had a plan for abe and i wanted that plan.  that's how i got through the car ride.  during all of that i somehow managed to notice the beautiful summer mountains and thought it was strange to wonder if life flight would appear over them any moment, pump gas, call my brother and get lost.  i finally pulled into the emergency parking at primary children's medical center.  

(make a wish! a few sundays earlier on a family walk)

"bless abe's broken heart"-- part one

 i have tried to write about the last couple weeks of our life and keep getting stuck....overwhelmed.  it's been a big two weeks.  miraculous really.  sometimes when i get overwhelmed, i do nothing.  is that normal?  i want to write it all down.  every detail.  i want to remember everything about the last two weeks.  i have felt so much.  anyway, i've decided i need to write this down, probably for me but hopefully for somebody else.  so i will start small.  details first.  then maybe another day the feelings that came and the spirit i felt.  but i will start with what happened.

we had been planting trees all morning.  around 2:00pm abe, our 12 year old, decide to mow the lawn.  just barely started.  the first time ever.  the first row.   we fired our landscaper so we could teach our kids to work.  dave showed him how and got him all set up.  he got to the top corner of our yard and started to turn.  a nail shot out from under the mower and somehow, spinning (abe thought it was the gas cap) hit him in the chest and penetrated the right ventricle of his heart.  

he yelled in pain and dropped to the ground.  dave ran fast past the kitchen window where i was feeding vivian.  i went to the door and saw abe on the ground and dave checking him out.  i yelled, asking if he was ok, then dave picked him up and more serious than i have ever seen him,  yelled for me to meet him at the car.  a sudden panic went through my whole body as i saw abe in dave's arms and could tell something was seriously wrong.  shaking, i grabbed vivian and rushed outside.  

i could feel the danger of the situation, even though i had no idea what was going on.  i met them at the car, where dave told me something shot into abe's chest. there was a tiny hole in abe's shirt.  by the time i saw it at the car, whatever hit abe was completely inside of abe.   it looked like he had been shot, but no blood.  abe said later that it looked like a tiny black seed.  dave thought about pulling it out but quickly decided when he saw abe take a breath and it sucked in a little, it could be in there pretty deep.  he didn't touch it.  just picked up and went as fast as he could.  i hurried kai, max and vivs to the neighbor's house, who happened to be in her driveway.  sadie wasn't home so i sort of explained to our neighbor what i didn't know, and left the kids with her. 

 when i got in the car i could tell it wasn't good.  i sat in back with abe and dave drove.  i remember abe leaning on me, moaning how bad it hurt.  he was turning extremely pale and his eyes rolled back once. i grabbed his head and wrapped my arms around it and said the quickest out load, most sincere prayer for help i have ever said.  i kept rubbing abe's head and telling him to stay with me.  he was in so much pain especially when he would breath.  dave called ahead to the hospital and told them to be ready for us.  we still didn't know what was in abe or where it was.  we could just tell it was super serious.  he wasn't doing well and i needed him to make it to the hospital.  even though he was in tons of pain, he was still his cute self.  he asked dave to speed and asked if this is what it felt like to be shot.  then he told me i when i hugged him like that it made him hot.  i rolled down the window to get him some air.  i sang to him, talked to him.  tried to stay calm and inside was hoping he would make it there and that we could get help in time even though i had no idea what "help" would be or look like.  

we got to the ER in heber, about a 15 minute drive, and dave got abe out of the car.  we helped abe stand up and then dave picked him up and carried him into the hospital.  dave set him down on a bed.  abe was in so much pain.  he kept saying it hurt so bad and asked for pain medicine.  they started an iv and then finally we got the xray.  we could see it was way bigger than we thought.  it went right in between his ribs and it was close to his heart.  they were waiting to get a side xray and i stepped into the hall.  all i could think of was we needed help and prayers right then.  i sat down and went through my phone as fast as i could and searched for family and friends.  shaking, i sent a text that said, "abe was mowing the lawn and something shot up and penetrated into him right above his heart.  we are being flown to primary children's.  please say a prayer for abe and the doctor that will work on him."  right when i finished sending the text pleading for prayers for my son, dave came into the hall and told me that it was actually completely in abe's heart.  he sobbed.  i remember him telling me he didn't know what would happen.  we hugged and cried, then we knew we needed to get moving.  

dave and the other doctor gave abe a priesthood blessing.  we decided dave would ride in the helicopter with abe in case they needed help and we thought only one person could travel with abe.  i left.  got in the car and started driving.   something big was in my son's heart and he was being life flighted to primary children's hospital.  i wasn't sure if he would make it there.  it was worse than we thought.  i remember calling my sister in law and asking her if she could get the kids from my neighbor's house.  i called sadie and left her a message on her phone.  they didn't let dave on the helicopter, but he helped get abe on and then he took the doctor's car and was close behind me.  

best.thing.ever.

for some reason, the school does school pictures twice a year.  spring pictures are a little more fancy with {fun} backgrounds. 

 i swear i sent a note saying we would 

not do pictures for a second time.

but...

a few days ago, max pulled out a packet of pictures, handed it to me, and told me the teacher said we didn't have to buy them, we could send them back.  i started to say we were definitely sending them back, then i looked...."well, maybe we will keep a few."

how could you not keep this picture????

max wears soccer clothes everyday to school... goalie gloves included!  BUT,  i thought he took them off when he got there....little did i know, he keeps them on all day!!! 

i so wish i could have been a fly on the wall when this picture was taken.  

it makes me smile every time i see it!!!